Recent Emotional Issue

I went to Central Market with Lina this evening after a short reunion with Nith and Minea. It’s been for many years I haven’t been to the market. Roughly counted, it should have been around 10 years. On the first day of this Khmer New Year, I went to Wat Phnom to welcome the new angel with my friends. It must be also so surprising to tell people that I haven’t been there for approximately 10 years either. Am I a Phnom Penh-er? But I have never been to and haven’t been to many places for ages in Phnom Penh. This should be very surprising unbelievable when people know this. There are many things else and many places else I have never been around Cambodia. Only started from last year, I started walking around the riverside in front of the Royal Palace. Never before have I enjoyed walking and eating out with friends. Everything seems to have started from last year—the year of revolution.

Perhaps I have stayed at home so much rather than going out in the past, so recently when I am rather financially independent, I wish to go to wherever I can, do whatever I’ve dreamed of and wish, eat whatever I have feel like…I wish I could enjoy this alone, but I can’t. I don’t like being alone in whatever I do. I wish to do them with friends or loved one; however, no one is at all times free to fulfill my desires. I wish I could learn to enjoy independently. Once I could learn it, I would not have to bother people. I wish I could travel alone so that I wouldn’t have to depend on people’s decisions. Rather, I would be able to go wherever I wished and to do whatever I wanted. It gives me bad feelings when my requests are turned down. Except for some cases, I rarely turn down people’s requests to me because I’m too weak and too dependent to reject ones. Only one accompany will just be enough to satisfy me.

Again, I wish I could be more independent—to be able to enjoy though alone. The new wish for the new year!