Just bike...

I haven't touched my bike for almost one month. It was totally covered with dust and you will feel quite gloomy when you look at it. I haven't biked to all the corners of Phnom Penh yet, and I don't think I will be able to do it because whenever I bike, I feel like going to places I am familiar with and dare not go beyond that boundary.

This morning I got up at 5:30 am and suddenly thought of going biking instead of going swimming which I have planned for since last week. I haven't swum for two weeks either. Really, I have been getting lazy with exercising when I have to do them alone. 

The views around the riverside area are always the most inviting which inspire me to go there whenever I go biking on my own. The sunshine is warm; the wind is fresh; the grass is green...

There are many things floating up in memories...

All about feelings...

I hate these feelings, the feeling of not being able to find someone to talk to when I wish to release my feelings, the feeling of being afraid that the one(s) I wish to talk to does not want to talk to me, the feeling of being lonely although many people are around me.

These are such fucking feelings that I wish to avoid from having and that I wish to eliminate when I start to have them. But I cannot do anything about it because it’s just all about my personality that I need someone to talk to when I am not happy. When I am rejected esp by the person I wish to talk to most, the feeling will be doubled.

I am sensitive and emotional. Once I am rejected once or at most twice, I will feel discouraged to ask for it again. It might be partly because I am angry with the person, but it’s mainly because I don’t want to add disappointment to my current dump feeling. It’ll simply end up with depression.

Am I not strong enough to be alone?

How I define 'strong'...

I would define a strong person as not being physically muscular but emotionally steady and joyful at all times regardless of whatsoever happening to him.


He can still wear a pleasant smile on his face although his heart is bleeding.

He can enjoy the hardship with which he is dealing with hope and courage.

He can view blames as advice, failure as lesson, and hardship as development.

He can forgive and forget how hurt he suffered and lead a new life.

How many of us are strong? How many of us can do so?

We are not strong enough to do everything by our own. We cannot smile when we are down. We complain more or less when we encounter hardship and can be easily discouraged to walk on. We are sad when we are blamed because we never consider those blames are advice people are giving to us though in an unpleasant way. We fear of failure and don't want to try again because we don't want to be disappointed for the second time and especially we don't want to lose face. We fear of hardship and wish to do any routine jobs that are easy and comfortable. We want development in our skills and spirit, but we are afraid of being suffered from the difficulty after we decide to step out of the soft pillows we are lying on. We feel unfair to forgive and forget someone who used to do ills to us. As long as we feel like taking revenge, we will lead a life of sorrows and depression. Learn to forgive people or at least to forget that there used to be someone who hurt us. Open ourselves to the beautiful world again. There is always a colorful rainbow and fresh air after the rain.